I haven’t slept well in many years.  It’s either broken or limited.  By broken I mean I’ll sleep for 3 hours, get up, stay for a couple hours, then nap. Another version of broken is 5 hours interrupted every hour or so.  Some nights I think it’s insomnia, some it’s just the inability to turn my mind off.  On those nights I actually sleep more than 5 hours I wake up feeling like I slept for 5 minutes.  Those days feel like groggy memories of nothing.

I don’t know if this lack of good sleep has stemmed from my gaming habits, which took years to perfect. You know, all nighters spent playing a game, getting up with the kids to send them to school, gaming a few more hours, then napping for 2 before I go get them, cooking dinner, feeding everyone, napping a couple hours more, then gaming again for several more hours.  Those who don’t game will never understand.

Maybe the lack of good sleep comes from overthinking.  I do that often.  I try desperately not to.  I know things I can change & those I can’t, so why do I continue to stress over the things I can’t change?  I might never know.

Maybe the years of little sleep have come from environmental, outside factors. Coffee, cigarettes, noise from the mill, the cats being assholes.  I think I could say that sometimes those things played a role, for sure.  As I get older and change habits, I wonder if getting more sleep will make me feel better or worse. Like I mentioned, the nights I get more sleep I feel less human and it sucks.

One thing I know for sure is that I will continue to game.  It may or may not interfere with my sleep.


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